Not Likely, Fatso

So it was Friday night and, being the sophisticated diners that we are, Mrs Bison and I took Bison Daughter to Red Robin. For those not in the know, this is a "family" burger restaurant chain, complete with laminated menus, helium-filled balloons and bored staff who periodically gather and sing some generic birthday song. It is probably best known for the lardiness of its clientele - as we sat in the foyer, awaiting our table for three, surrounded by fellow diners it was hard not to notice how fucking fat they were.

At one point a massively overweight older couple came in, and I instantly winced as they walked over, because I could see that they were about to try and squeeze their enormous rumps onto the same bench seat that we were occupying. As the man sat down, his wife declared "I'm just going to quickly run to the restroom".

Every fiber of my being wanted to respond "Oh come on, you're clearly wrong on both counts" but I settled for making this comments to my slim wife. Meanwhile a teenage girl, so fat that her black leggings had become translucent, waddled in. There's no hope for us in this country so long as obesity is treated as a disease rather than a lifestyle choice...

Indiana Nights

And while we're on the subject of Indiana, here's another thing: why are there so many "adult video" emporia lining the highway there? Maybe it's my imagination but all I could see along the side of the road was McDonalds and shops selling wanking material, all with big signs. I know this is small-town Indiana, but I wondered "surely there has to be a little more to life than masturbation, followed by a burger". Then I realized that the only other buildings in evidence were churches, and suddenly I understood. Compared to hanging out in church, rubbing yourself off and eating a Big Mac must seem like winning the lottery. Cheaper too...

Small Head Disease

I happened to be in Indiana today, in a small town. It was chock-full of fat bastards. Not just chubby people, but those really fat ones, with the gut that hangs down over their genitals. Maybe it's unfair to make the observation about Indiana - maybe you see the same thing in any small Midwestern town.

Nevertheless, what really struck me was that some of the wobbliest ones had a really small head. Sort of like it had shrunk, as all their energy went into growing a gut. Really tiny head on top of a really big, oval body. Nice look...

Skype Wankers

Yes I know Skype is good value, since it's free, but for weeks now I've had this stupid pop-up telling me I have "Skype Credit" and suggesting I call someone. Well today I found myself needing to call someone. Great! I could use my "Skype Credit".

So I clicked on the green box and entered the number. Up comes a message saying (and I quote) "Sorry, calling --- --- ---- failed. You need Skype credit to call this phone number."

Really? You fucking morons. Even though your sodding annoying message has been hanging in front of me every time I went online. After it came back every time I deleted it. Now you tell me I DON'T have any of your fucking credit after all? Click here to "Buy Skype credit now".

Yeah, well you can fuck right off...

For All The Good It Did...

You remember the old joke about the bloke whose doctor gives him a course of suppositories but is too embarrassed to tell him how to use them, so he just says they should be taken per rectum. The patient comes back two weeks later and when the doctor asks if the drugs helped, he responds "They were useless - for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse."

Well, I saw a Daily Mail headline today stating that bananas may be the key to stopping the spread of AIDS. My first thought was "Bananas - the new AIDS prevention device for homos. Simply just insert one in your arse prior to sexual relations and it will significantly reduce your chances of contraction."

They work best if combined with a sugar cube, apparently. Just slip one into your bum chum's shoe, and it will make him limp...

Busted

The Bison family was out for a walk in the sun today, at our local wildlife preserve, and we stopped at a convenient bench to watch fat people walk by. We could hear a group of men coming closer, and snatches of conversation carried towards us:

"When we were in England..."
"The food was terrible...{cue puking noises}..."
"It was awful weather..."
"That's why you find so many of them all over the world - they can't wait to get away from that dreadful little island."

As they strolled into view they greeted us with a cheery hello.

"Seems like someone don't like the English." I replied, in my very best Cockney Wanker accent.

"Oh no, we actually quite enjoyed it over there" they hastily back-pedaled. "Really. It was only the food. And the weather..."

Yeah, you pussies.

As they walked on down the hill we could clearly hear one of them mutter to another "Well, what were the odds of that..."

Busted.

Crap No-one Needs, #19

Black History Month

The world has seen many great civilizations that our kids could study in school. There are the ancient Chinese, who built great ships and navigated the world. The Greeks developed systems of philosophical thought and introduced concepts of democracy. Great Mogul leaders brought unity to India. The Romans performed amazing feats of architecture, road building, irrigation and medicine. Western civilizations created magnificent cathedrals, and invented printing so that knowledge could be disseminated to the world. Egyptians built pyramids whose secrets are still being unraveled today. Sun worshippers in South America plotted the movements of the stars and created amazingly accurate astronomical calendars.

So why is it that the schools here find it necessary to have fucking black history month every fucking year. I have nothing against black people, but it's hard to imagine any civilization that has contributed less to world history and development. The only thing that gets talked about is slavery and civil rights, any discussion of which conveniently overlooks that blacks were sold into slavery by, er, other blacks. Oh, and we have to remember that our ancestors supposedly emerged in Africa, which is a convenient way for Africa to get a free ride on the achievements of every other society in spite of having contributed practically nothing of note as a continent itself.

Forget about learning from the great societies of the world - let's have an annual festival of American liberal white guilt instead.